The Practical Joker
by Rumour of an Alchemist
Summary: Alternate Universe. One shot. Peter Pettigrew reads about his own demise in a newspaper. Slightly frivolous piece. Rated 'T'.


Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling. I do not own Harry Potter.

Note: The following short sketch is set in an alternate universe and takes place during what would be the _Prisoner of Azkaban_ school year of canon. Events have gone somewhat differently from canon in at least one respect. This piece is a one-shot and not particularly serious. This piece is rated 'T'.

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 _Nice, Côte d'Azur, France_

It was interesting to read – several days after the event – about how one of one's former friends believed that he had successfully murdered one. It was even more interesting, of course, to read about how it had happened more than a decade after everyone _else_ had thought that it had occurred, and when said friend had broken out of a high security prison for the specific purpose of trying to make sure that a murder for which he had, in part, been committed, had – in fact – been done to his satisfaction.

That everyone – including now Sirius Black – should be so outrageously incorrect appealed tremendously to the man currently going under the name of 'Hugh Rawlings', but who had once been known under the name of 'Peter Pettigrew'.

Betraying the Potters had been the hardest thing that Peter had ever done, and to be frank it had only been made possible by a combination of annoyance at the slight disregard with which Peter had always been treated by his supposed friends and the offer of a very large – by muggle standards – amount of cash. In the aftermath of his betrayal of the Potters, that cash had been very useful to Peter. Accompanied by a bit of surreptitious magic, Peter had bought himself a small property in southern France, invested the rest highly prudently, and was still living very comfortably off the income to this day. Of course, he'd had to take some sensible precautions other than the name change and pretending (in France, in his new environs) to be an Australian. He'd laid a number of false trails for Sirius to potentially find (since Sirius at least, when he'd been sent to Azkaban, had known that Peter darned well hadn't been killed by him) which he had taken to occasionally travelling back to England to maintain. Said false trails had included planting a number of 'pet rats' with magical families – rats chosen by Peter to resemble his animagus form – and each of which he had carefully removed one particular 'toe' from, to correspond to the fake finger he'd left behind all those years ago at the scene of his supposed demise. He'd occasionally had to replace said rats, in the middle of the night, when they started to get on a bit in years, of course, to support the impression to the mind of Sirius Black that any one of them (of which he heard) might in fact be unnaturally long-lived because they were an animagus in hiding.

It was actually rather gratifying for Peter, that when Sirius had broken out of prison, it had apparently been to specifically track down and kill one of these rats. Presumably it had been rather horrifying at the end for the Weasley boy – Ronald was it? – to have a maniac break into Gryffindor Tower and stab his pet to death in front of his eyes, whilst the aforementioned intruder laughed crazily. Still, Sirius had been docile enough after that, and allowed himself to be detained and sent back to Azkaban, muttering things about how he'd 'got him in the end'. And Peter would be able to forget the other rats now; maybe keep one or two of the other false leads going for a year or two, just in case Sirius developed doubts over the rat business and somehow broke out again…

Peter folded up the newspaper carefully, and put it away for later attention.

In half an hour he had a rendezvous with the latest in a string of rather attractive young Italian ladies to attend, and he needed to make himself 'presentable' before heading out to keep that assignation…

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Author Notes: (revised/expanded slightly, 9th June, 2015)

Yes, it's a magical newspaper that Peter's reading – probably one he buys locally in France, since it would be stupid to lay a possible trail to himself by ordering one from the UK. I'm not sure if it would be a French publication or a British one exported for sale in the overseas market. If the former, apparently Sirius Black's moves are assumed to be big enough to make the foreign press (it *is* a story about an escaped convict/madman breaking into Britain's prestigious magical school, and stabbing to death a boy's pet in front of him, whilst raving manically, mind you...)

At the time of posting I'm unclear on the precise motivations of canon Peter Pettigrew for his treachery. In this timeline it was to a certain extent 'to show them' for never taking him as seriously as he felt he deserved, and for a large wodge of money. And having come by all that money, he might as well live comfortably on it, even if that meant faking his own death and moving abroad to live under an alias...

No attempt was made by the Ministry to have Sirius kissed by a dementor in this timeline after he was recaptured at Hogwarts. He was caught faster than in canon, after fewer breaches of Hogwarts 'security' and was considered too crazy to be a serious threat to magical society in general. (Well that, and he wasn't apprehended during a violent showdown involving Harry Potter.)

This story is a one-shot, and, as indicated in the opening notes, is somewhat frivolous. It's one of those pieces I post partially to try and not get out of the habit of posting, whilst longer pieces are going nowhere.

Update: (9th June, 2015)

This version of Peter Pettigrew does not have the Dark Mark and is *not* a Death Eater (although conceivably towards the end of the war he might have been taken prisoner by them, which could have made up his mind for him to sell James & Lily out). He's perfectly comfortable as he is, and has no interest in trying to seek out or resurrect Lord Voldemort.

The title of this piece is taken from a Dorothy L. Sayers short story (one of her Lord Peter Wimsey ones), although the trickster of that particular Dorothy L. Sayers story is somewhat loftier in his motivations and goals than Peter Pettigrew is in this one.


End file.
